26 August 2016

Double Standards

I don't understand the double standards the guys at my uni have on girls. It's like we're supposed to just accept what they say as acceptable and right and swallow that smiling. But when we make a remark it's suddenly the most offensive thing in the world.

The other day I was expected to give in and sleep with a long time friend of mine because I'm somehow perceived as easy now and so it's socially acceptable to make a move on me even though it makes me uncomfortable and violated. I'm also supposed to be okay with my colleagues dancing against me girating their bodies against mine again and again until they get some sort of satisfaction out of it, even though I clearly showed resistance, discomfort, and said "please, no stop". Then after telling my story to a close male friend of mine, all he got out of it was that I'm clearly a "ho".

All this makes me think that it's completely my fault and that I could've prevented the situations- which to a certain extent is true. However I feel that there's too much pushing of the responsibility in the wrong way from the eyes of these shitheads. It is as if it is somehow okay to call me a derogatory term and assume my self worth is nonexistent because I am in a low point in my life physically, emotionally, and socially...mixed in with a series of unfortunate events being at the wrong place at the wrong time. And I somehow have to be okay with those assumptions and slurs thrown at me, to just accept that I somehow am of no worth. But if I decided to actually speak my truth of how I felt that "dating you was a low point in my life" or that "you are way out of my league", that I would somehow be offending you to no ends, awakening your ancestors, and is now the worst person and the meanest bitch to ever live.

Why are there these double standards at this school? When will there ever be gender equality where women can say the same things to men without being thrown down as a rude inconsiderate [insert derogatory female term here]?

18 August 2016

Wasted

"I wanted to kill the me underneath.

That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can’t quite deal with it.

It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe, different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild.

This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death

- Hornbacher