30 April 2015

now playing: fidelity | regina spektor (for the #tbt)
mood: sleepy

We're already halfway done with this week.
Therefore we are a fraction-over-half of this quarter, meaning I'm almost officially done with school!

So far I've (milestones & other highlights/firsts):
→ gotten closer to people in my major♥
→ joined a research group /made lots of new friends
→ gotten back into volunteering - never thought I'd have time for it again after high school ended, but I'm so glad I've made time for this because it makes me so happy :)
→ created my first ever official poster (and felt pretty broke after doing so)
→ had my first video call with another school research group
→ reached out to and support a non-profit organization I care about
→ formed study groups - something I never thought would happen!!
→ presented at a symposium!
→ join organizations of similar academic interest and background
→ landed a summer internship and won a scholarship for it

unacademic-wise I've:
→ tidied up and reorganized relationships
→ brought back (high school) senior-year traditions!! {late night food runs, movie nights, getting coffee, hang outs, spontaneous dinner outings on school nights, laughing non-stop until our stomachs hurt, making stupid hierarchies and making fun of each other, not taking work seriously but taking work seriously, going over to people's places to hang out to just hang out, fussing over dumb drama that no one cares about but making drama nonetheless, etc...)
→ gained more control over my emotional balance
→ learned to let go of things that are not worth my time

what I still need to do:
→ figure out summer plans
→ be more involved with school (academically)
→ figure out where I'll be moving to next year
→ become better at video editing
→ become more involved with the organizations I'm in
→ learn how to not procrastinate and sleep before 12am! (or more like learn how to get stuff done at work more efficiently so I'm not there till 8pm everyday !!!)
→ get SP back and updated again

Ahhhh, I'm still in denial that this is senior year, and there's only 4 more weeks and 2 days left!!
Hopefully I'll be updating more and more to document the last few weeks of my undergraduate career.

xo i

27 April 2015

Slowly inching towards sanity after getting rid of toxic people in my life.
The past two years has made me a crazy that I've never been before.
Who do I like and how do I love?

24 April 2015

Suburban and Typical

Since when did we grow so far apart and different? (Since when did you get so rude)

now playing: teenage icon | the vaccines ♥
mood: tired

Powerpoint done, now time to work on my poster.
➣Glad that tomorrow's meeting is pushed back 30 min so I can get something to eat, but a little nervous about having another phone?video?skype? call with the HQ because I need to go to office hours but I really need to keep up with what's happening in the lab as well
➣This weekend's gonna be tough. I need to finish my poster (probably 3-4 drafts + printing time), complete my report, study for organic synthesis class so I can actually actually come up with intellectual questions and go to office hours for that, complete paperwork, go bowling, and see Age Of Adaline (for Lana bae).
➣Had a fast, lowkey, yet enjoyable Thursday. Friday's going to be a slide into the chaotic weekend.

21 April 2015

I've felt so shitty everyday this past week, I haven't gone to any classes or lab, just laid in bed and do work an hour before it's due. All my growths have gone undocumented in research, only an ID number to make sure I record it down sometime. God save me.

Bleachers | I Wanna Get Better

my head hurts
i can't stop crying
and i feel sad.

the next few months are going to be of these annoying posts.
brace yourselves.

20 April 2015

Things I Noticed

1. Everything is a Schrödinger's Cat experiment and in a paradoxical state if untouched or avoided, the possibility of it being bad or good is at equally probable, so we cannot be certain of anything and the outcome until we conquer it.

2. As crazy as I am sometimes, I prefer retreating back to calmness and (literally) keeping things low-key, and I'm so happy I (kind of) realize the person I am /found myself/, and I think that this is hard to see because I come off as a slight extrovert in public

3. Anything is possible

4. I have this trend of hiding my face in pictures

5. You can't push me, no one can- and I'm not saying this in a confident sassy way, I literally mean that nothing, no deadlines, no bad grades, no person can push me unless I feel like accomplishing something, I won't do it.

6. Life is a circle but it is also a bell curve, we're alone at the end in the end. People come into our lives to teach us something but no one is going to be here forever

7. Forgive and love. It'll make the world a better place. An eye for an eye makes the world blind.

8. Invest in shoes, is possibly one of the most important thing that B has recommended to me that I've never realized

9. Life is crazy, within a month's span I've gone to a funeral and a wedding, and I've also had many small life events that I've never had before, we can't stop time to slow things down and pace these events, but we can treasure the times we spend with each other.

10. The hardship you encounter before your success is a blessing in disguise, and that no matter how hard things get, we have to remember that every cloud has a silver lining.

Happy Monday.
xo I

14 April 2015

B and I got tickets to see Sufjan Stevens the week before our last undergraduate finals!!! I'm so excited because it's going to be at the Dorothy Chandler Pavillion music hall! And we were lucky enough to get middle/centered orchestra seats too. Gahh!! :)

Side Effects pt 2

Imagine everything you ever wanted shows up one day and calls itself your life. And then just when you start to believe in it - gone. And suddenly it gets very hard to imagine a future. That's depression, right?

Today in class some guys told me that when they first met/saw me they thought that I seemed really cold/intimidating/mean/entitled and that I seemed like I had my shit together and was always really serious, until they got to know me better then found out I'm actually "really chill and nice". They even on further went to mention that I have the same vibes as one of the meanest chem professors we have on campus. Entertaining.

It amuses me, to hear that, a little. Who would've ever known I'd turn into someone that went from looking like "Nice Girl" to "Killer Girl". I guess that's what stress and messing around (and realizing that there's no more time for fun) too much does to you. It's like they say- "...there's a difference between tears of joy and tears of rage. Is that true? It's in the chemistry, but you can't tell by looking, they all just look like tears....". I guess your emotional state can really change your physical state.

(Just watch the first one)
Guys like Jimmy Fallon, Ryan Gosling, Joseph Gordon Levitt- soft and goofy ♥ unf
But really, Jimmy Fallon is so funny I love it xD

13 April 2015

Remember Me

"You once told me, our fingerprints don’t fade from the lives we touch. Is that true for everybody, or is it just poetic bullshit?”

Having another fucked up day.
I feel like I've lost everything within the span of one week.
First came the looks.
Then the 'suggestion',
and now the ever so typical silence.

You're killing me.
Are you mad at me?
Am I being replaced?

Fuck man, what did I do wrong?
Are there no second chances?


Saturday: Taught 12 sessions of boy scouts about energy waste from 9-4.
I can't stop thinking about vampire energy now, and I definitely respect high school teachers that have to teach the same subjects 6 times a day because it does get 'tiring' because you just keep repeating the same thing to new groups of kids, which means that you have to revamp your energy every period because the new group of kids deserve the same enthusiasm that the first group of kids received.

You also can't see me because there's too many people but- yay! :)
(and then I went to work after that until 7). hashtag- GG/tired

Sunday: Ate a 2 hour brunch by myself at the dining hall and saw Alec there, relaxed for too long, got boba, watched Fast and Furious 7 with D/V/T/T.

09 April 2015

The Real Hardstyle

now playing: playlists on 8tracks
mood: disheveled, but in the process of organizing

I am on the nmr reservation page, and I noticed that David's got raman from 1130pm-330am tonight. And because the space before mine was blank, someone decided to reserve 5-630am. Dang. Engineers go hard.

My day tomorrow:
Mijn dag van morgen:
Ma journée de demain:
5.45 Wake up
6.30 Off to raman
8.30 Breakfast/coffee run with Ari & others
9.00 Group meeting
10.30 Start growth
14.00 Growth 2
19.00 Training and lesson plan
After that: Back to my apt so I can get ready for Saturday's long day.

Maybe someday
You'll be somewhere
Talking to me
As if you knew me
Saying I'll be home for next year, darling.


02 April 2015

Elevated, I'm on new ground, at a different height.
You're holding me, gently around my waist; you think I will hurt myself.
Slowly the wind picks up and my hair flies.

You're still holding my hand.
Slowly I let go, and I fly.
Looking back, you're still grinning at me. Thank you

01 April 2015

Always Running for the Thrill of it

Today I joined a 4 hour Skype conference call with GWU and Stanford.
During the video conference, I got an email notifying I got the scholarship and internship I applied for two months ago. (yay!) An hour later, in the middle of class, I got a flood of notifications from my colleagues/co-workers telling me to check my email and spam 'CONGRATS' into my texting applications with the sudden interruption from my professor asking me to tell the class the correct answer to the homework sets. All good and happy things. I've been really happy at school. One of my colleagues got into graduate school, three of our people got a super prestigious science award/funding (16,000 applied, 2,000 awarded in the USA, 10 awarded to our school, and out of that 10 we had 3), and another paper of ours got approved to be published. I am scheduled to work 17 hours a week, but I've been working 7 hours overtime- I don't even mind! I feel as if I've found a new group of people I can click in with. But sometimes I'll look back at everyone I've left behind and it makes me sad. Are y'all well? How are you? What's going on, what's happening?

Someone told me something the other day when I couldn't stop whining about the past: "It simply meant that our...[past]...just couldn't keep up with us". It's such an asshole way to put it, but 100% on point. I guess in a way, I couldn't keep up with some of my past, and in other ways my past couldn't keep up with me.

Today, for the first time, I had also the thoughts of dropping my ballet class because it has been heavily interfering with one of my biggest commitments.