13 June 2017

I'm trying to detach myself.
From everything and everyone.

It's really hard but I promise it'll be very quiet and good when I get there.
I promise.

Why Do People Fall in Love

Why do you fall in love?
so that I can feel something
Why do you hurt your self?
so that I can feel something
Do you fall in love so that you can hurt yourself?

12 June 2017

I wish people would understand

the anxiety that cripples my mental and physical wellbeing
the feeling of being scared when I sleep alone at night
the feeling of slowly drifting into this never ending spiraling pit of dark and numbness
the [good] feeling I get when I binge to feel but the [bad] side effects of that that floods me with guilt
the terrible stomachaches I get and how the only thing from stopping me from not actually throwing up from being so inconveniently nervous and anxious is that I fear throwing up more than most things in the world
how inconvenient my lack of hunger is 80% of the day, but also how inconvenient the look for my sudden need for binge is

But most of the time I feel really whiney when I have to explain this to people and of inconvenience. ugh i hate everything. everyone.

I wish people valued and emphasized mental health more. And I wish there was better treatment for mental wellbeing instead of just drugging people up.
This is going to be so bad. But.

The first part of this will discuss how it's so hard to be yourself and not get judged at the same time. So that the only acceptable way to live life is through being "temporarily impaired".  It's like an excuse to get assaulted/raped. I know that sounds so bad. And it's not a joke. I don't think it's funny.

The second part of this is... how empty the hurt feels. And how I keep seeking ways to fill that void. And I hate talking about this with my friend(s) or significant other(s) because I feel that it always comes out to two things at the end- either they cannot handle it and they freak out (I never understand this one because I never bring this upon anyone and ask them to single handedly try to carry the weight) or they make judgements about my actions and tell me to be happy and get over it. As much as I'd like to 'be happy and get over it', I feel like this is just proof that they don't know me or haven't for enough time. I feel that I haven't won my battle with her yet, and that my fight with self image and weight fluctuations are still there. 

tl;dr- I am hopelessly in love with the ways I lose my consciousness to in order to escape her. It's spiraling into an uncontrollable addiction that I can't pull myself out of. I love the way randoms grab at me and force me to perform unconsensual sexual actions. But it makes me cry and die at the same time. Mostly because I don't want to do any of that shit, nor do I actually love it, but it makes the numbness go away and the hurt actually feel. I can feel. And that's what I  t h r i v e  for.

I don't know who reads this anymore. But please don't feel guilt or sympathy for me. I just want to be able to be able to document again and not have to fear judgement and wipe my slate clean to pretend to be someone I'm not.


08 June 2017

Re: Double Standards

Erika wrote a little something, which made me feel empowered. Thank you...

"..Is it only possible to achieve respect from your equals by sacrificing the precariousness of your own sex? [...] I honestly think you would be disgusted to know how many men have expressed their grievances with the fact that I am an opinionated female. Or how many men haven't taken me seriously because I'm a woman and they think I exaggerate a response, or overreact. I wish I had counted how many men have said, "I'm sorry you THINK I did this" or "I'm sorry YOU FEEL that way" instead of acknowledging that my intuition is a STRENGTH and that they are capable of faults, and they're allowed to concede to them. How many men believe they have a say in what company you keep, what you wear, decisions you make. How many men hold you back in achieving your goals, particularly in young relationships, because they are constantly negotiating with the insecurity of their own egos. These are all forms of abuse. Words and actions are triggering. I think it's quite clear that because we have seemingly made a lot of progress socially, people have taken it upon themselves to move too freely in their relationships and their interactions with people, especially when they are ignorant to their past experiences. Just saying on this beautiful day to remember compassion and empathy and all of these emotions that make humans amazing. And remember, "if you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor."
-Erika Altosaar


I go from channel to channel to hide from separate/different people.
When will I ever learn to open up and trust again?

16 January 2017


The first person to desensitize wins right?
You always want to be numb so you don't risk the chances of hurting yourself...
Isn't that right?
Isn't that right love, isn't it?

That's what they taught me...

26 August 2016

Double Standards

I don't understand the double standards the guys at my uni have on girls. It's like we're supposed to just accept what they say as acceptable and right and swallow that smiling. But when we make a remark it's suddenly the most offensive thing in the world.

The other day I was expected to give in and sleep with a long time friend of mine because I'm somehow perceived as easy now and so it's socially acceptable to make a move on me even though it makes me uncomfortable and violated. I'm also supposed to be okay with my colleagues dancing against me girating their bodies against mine again and again until they get some sort of satisfaction out of it, even though I clearly showed resistance, discomfort, and said "please, no stop". Then after telling my story to a close male friend of mine, all he got out of it was that I'm clearly a "ho".

All this makes me think that it's completely my fault and that I could've prevented the situations- which to a certain extent is true. However I feel that there's too much pushing of the responsibility in the wrong way from the eyes of these shitheads. It is as if it is somehow okay to call me a derogatory term and assume my self worth is nonexistent because I am in a low point in my life physically, emotionally, and socially...mixed in with a series of unfortunate events being at the wrong place at the wrong time. And I somehow have to be okay with those assumptions and slurs thrown at me, to just accept that I somehow am of no worth. But if I decided to actually speak my truth of how I felt that "dating you was a low point in my life" or that "you are way out of my league", that I would somehow be offending you to no ends, awakening your ancestors, and is now the worst person and the meanest bitch to ever live.

Why are there these double standards at this school? When will there ever be gender equality where women can say the same things to men without being thrown down as a rude inconsiderate [insert derogatory female term here]?