20 May 2015

Reasons why I should keep my chin up and not be so down..
1) things aren't so bad..yet
2) I have plans and support (so far still) for post-graduation/grad school bound
3) a paying internship
4) being relocated and having amazing roommates now
5) events lined up for me till the end of the quarter
6) guardian angel friends around to catch me and watch out for me when I fall
7) going to be living in a nice complex next year if all goes as planned
8) Stockholm/Copenhagen 2015 is real (!!)
9) didn't have to shell out 1k for a new phone (thanks!!)
10) people who see beyond her/their lies and support/back me up (thank you!!)
11) an amazing friend/lab partner who understands my workload and tries to help me out with it by doing so much of the work and unintentionally making me feel guilty for it..
12) -materialistic blessings..-

15 May 2015

I want to believe everyone and everything.
But that's why I get hurt so easily.


I have so many things, feelings, and emotions I want to confess to. But I don't know how or who to tell.

Life goes on.

07 May 2015

I ruin everything for myself.

I ruin friendships.
I ruin family relationships.
I ruin my grades and school.
I sabotaged us.
And now I'm still sabotaging "us".

Fuck fuck fuck.
I'm sorry? I would take it all back if I could? But you're totally different now, and it's all because of me, I'm so sorry.

03 May 2015

Caring Is Creepy

now playing: no shade in the shadow of the cross | sufjan stevens
mood: tired

I was going to complain.
But then I realized that it wouldn't solve any of my problems.

It's hard trying to keep up with everyone's demands/requests when you set high standards for yourself and people expect higher because you set the bar high already.

Getting there is like learning a new song on the piano/viola/marimba, trying to perfect a technique in dance, or trying to get perfect catches in guard even though your hands have lost all nerve-related-feeling for the week. When you've perfected everything, people, from the outside, see you as this beautiful thing and envy you. But when you're still on the road, it's blood, sweat, and tears. Everything hurts and frustrates you. The road is long, tiring, and lonely. But once I'm there I know looking back will be bitter-sweet and the end is rewarding.

I just want to go home, go to the beach, lay in the warm sand, smell the salty scent of seawater, listen to the waves crash, and temporarily forget everything :'- (

30 April 2015

now playing: fidelity | regina spektor (for the #tbt)
mood: sleepy

We're already halfway done with this week.
Therefore we are a fraction-over-half of this quarter, meaning I'm almost officially done with school!

So far I've (milestones & other highlights/firsts):
→ gotten closer to people in my major♥
→ joined a research group /made lots of new friends
→ gotten back into volunteering - never thought I'd have time for it again after high school ended, but I'm so glad I've made time for this because it makes me so happy :)
→ created my first ever official poster (and felt pretty broke after doing so)
→ had my first video call with another school research group
→ reached out to and support a non-profit organization I care about
→ formed study groups - something I never thought would happen!!
→ presented at a symposium!
→ join organizations of similar academic interest and background
→ landed a summer internship and won a scholarship for it

unacademic-wise I've:
→ tidied up and reorganized relationships
→ brought back (high school) senior-year traditions!! {late night food runs, movie nights, getting coffee, hang outs, spontaneous dinner outings on school nights, laughing non-stop until our stomachs hurt, making stupid hierarchies and making fun of each other, not taking work seriously but taking work seriously, going over to people's places to hang out to just hang out, fussing over dumb drama that no one cares about but making drama nonetheless, etc...)
→ gained more control over my emotional balance
→ learned to let go of things that are not worth my time

what I still need to do:
→ figure out summer plans
→ be more involved with school (academically)
→ figure out where I'll be moving to next year
→ become better at video editing
→ become more involved with the organizations I'm in
→ learn how to not procrastinate and sleep before 12am! (or more like learn how to get stuff done at work more efficiently so I'm not there till 8pm everyday !!!)
→ get SP back and updated again

Ahhhh, I'm still in denial that this is senior year, and there's only 4 more weeks and 2 days left!!
Hopefully I'll be updating more and more to document the last few weeks of my undergraduate career.

xo i

27 April 2015

Slowly inching towards sanity after getting rid of toxic people in my life.
The past two years has made me a crazy that I've never been before.
Who do I like and how do I love?

24 April 2015

Suburban and Typical

Since when did we grow so far apart and different? (Since when did you get so rude)

now playing: teenage icon | the vaccines ♥
mood: tired

Powerpoint done, now time to work on my poster.
➣Glad that tomorrow's meeting is pushed back 30 min so I can get something to eat, but a little nervous about having another phone?video?skype? call with the HQ because I need to go to office hours but I really need to keep up with what's happening in the lab as well
➣This weekend's gonna be tough. I need to finish my poster (probably 3-4 drafts + printing time), complete my report, study for organic synthesis class so I can actually actually come up with intellectual questions and go to office hours for that, complete paperwork, go bowling, and see Age Of Adaline (for Lana bae).
➣Had a fast, lowkey, yet enjoyable Thursday. Friday's going to be a slide into the chaotic weekend.