26 August 2016

Double Standards

I don't understand the double standards the guys at my uni have on girls. It's like we're supposed to just accept what they say as acceptable and right and swallow that smiling. But when we make a remark it's suddenly the most offensive thing in the world.

The other day I was expected to give in and sleep with a long time friend of mine because I'm somehow perceived as easy now and so it's socially acceptable to make a move on me even though it makes me uncomfortable and violated. I'm also supposed to be okay with my colleagues dancing against me girating their bodies against mine again and again until they get some sort of satisfaction out of it, even though I clearly showed resistance, discomfort, and said "please, no stop". Then after telling my story to a close male friend of mine, all he got out of it was that I'm clearly a "ho".

All this makes me think that it's completely my fault and that I could've prevented the situations- which to a certain extent is true. However I feel that there's too much pushing of the responsibility in the wrong way from the eyes of these shitheads. It is as if it is somehow okay to call me a derogatory term and assume my self worth is nonexistent because I am in a low point in my life physically, emotionally, and socially...mixed in with a series of unfortunate events being at the wrong place at the wrong time. And I somehow have to be okay with those assumptions and slurs thrown at me, to just accept that I somehow am of no worth. But if I decided to actually speak my truth of how I felt that "dating you was a low point in my life" or that "you are way out of my league", that I would somehow be offending you to no ends, awakening your ancestors, and is now the worst person and the meanest bitch to ever live.

Why are there these double standards at this school? When will there ever be gender equality where women can say the same things to men without being thrown down as a rude inconsiderate [insert derogatory female term here]?

18 August 2016


"I wanted to kill the me underneath.

That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can’t quite deal with it.

It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe, different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild.

This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death

- Hornbacher

05 July 2016


Got so numb yesterday everything felt so right.
The waves of euphoria rolling through me, god it finally feels right. This is the feeling I've been searching for, too long.

I am so happy I was so happy. Everyone is so in love and the warm summer air brushed our arms under the dark navy blue skies. Everything moving so slowly...

I watched her light that cigar, please baby no.
In one minute of a time I watched what I thought to be innocent corrupt before my eyes.
I feel so cheated. So cheated on. Lied to, with my dreams shattered. One last hope of ambition pierced through the center with a mocking burn.

Stumbling down the street letting the lies hit me, I watched the fireworks go up and fall back down the street last night by myself as my heart broke and tears rolled. I've never gotten kissed under the fireworks, but I also never watched them on the fourth alone either.

I'm so broken. So broken. I don't know what to think what to do.

Spoke so much words, did you even speak the truth?
Trouble on my left, trouble on my right...
God don't let me lose my mind...

14 June 2016


mood: sleepy & lovely
currently playing: riptide

It's the first week of summer break. I'm back into that work grind, have to work harder though...
I had a lovely weekend up in Big Bear with my org board members- absolutely fun and relaxing.
Going to be going back up to the mountains this coming weekend again with some other friends, hopefully things won't be too awkward or have too much tension.

parties on parties.
when am i actually going to start feeling something?

i smell like lavender (lush body scrub), sakura blossoms (shampoo), and macadamia and coconuts (conditioner) dreams right now
drifting off, into the land of sleep.

goodnight x

30 May 2016

Read a thing Danielle wrote. Though there was more at the end I connected with, these two were the strongest.

"...felt a disconnect from those whose lives weren’t snatched up by something so evil. I became jealous of the boys and girls who lived in a beautiful bubble while evil seemed to slip through in my life, with death and trials and sadness and unexplainable feelings

Impossible Waltz

And there we are, under the star-lit night.
Dancing in the bowl...
Waltzing to the first verse of the impossible soul.
Gaze locked into each other's souls.

Slow warm summer breeze sifting through our beloved youth.
Ignorance smoother than aged whiskey.
Love enough to fill the ocean.
I've just been in a dream, going away without you, trying to be something that I wasn't at all.

23 May 2016

Summer To Do

When prelims end:

Big Bear retreat
Continue the job hunt
Get back to working out at the gym
/on finding myself/
Beach day(ze)
Update brunchinglady blog
Continue vlog edits/upload
DC/NYC + Euro trip
Continue weekend coffee crawls
Learn Python

21 May 2016

Listened to Your Problems, Now Listen to Mine

It didn't matter what they wanted to see
He thought he saw someone that looked just like me
The summer memory that just never dies
We worked too long and hard to give it no time
He sees right through me, it's so easy with lies
Cracks in the road that I would try and disguise
He runs his scissor at the seam in the wall
He cannot break it down or else he would fall
One thousand lonely stars hiding in the cold
Take it, I don't wanna sing anymore

...And all I hear is the last thing that you said

Hurts me so much; makes me nostalgic.
I miss you so much.