22 October 2014

Thank you for the suggestions.

Honestly I just want someone who enjoy listening to the same music that I do,  who can appreciate this music culture with me, and talk in Tumblr lingo without accidentally getting offended. I want someone who can appreciate the same designers that I like and won't call me out for liking clothes that are made "not correctly" and because "that looks like crap". I want someone to be able to enjoy the TV shows that I like, and not just immediately tell me that they don't want to try something just because it sounds bad, and then changing their mind later because "they didn't know it was xyz" and that they "thought it was zyx before". I want someone who can enjoy and let loose, obviously without wrecking yourself, and not asking me all the time if "I want to be a slut" or if "I am a slut" for my clothing choices. I don't think I am a slut, and don't want to be a slut, and I also don't appreciate people who think they are doing the best for me by looking out for me and trying to 'de-slutify' me by monitoring my dress code and wardrobe. Honestly I don't think any type of relationship, whether it be between family, friends, lovers, or strangers, is healthy when one party is trying to restrain and draw lines for the other party. I'm pretty sure everyone is capable of drawing lines for themselves and don't need help with it unless asked.

I definitely appreciate it when people respect my privacy, and respect the fact that I can make good choices on who I want to hang out with. I don't think that anyone else, besides myself, should have the power to say that the people I am friends with/talk to are bad because they make other people uncomfortable. If the people I talk to make YOU uncomfortable, I should be able to make a judgement and actually cut ties with those people. Otherwise, thank you for your suggestions, you can leave them in the comment box, but I don't think I'll be checking that anytime soon.

Because my life so far has been fucked up and derailed pretty good thanks to people trying to live two lives instead of one.
I'm not expecting any type of sympathy for making this post. I'm just saying.

But it makes me really sad overtime I see people be able to go out and hang out with friends at places like Vegas or take road trips to places. Not that my favorite place is Vegas or I really want to go to Vegas with friends. But just in general. Like. I never get to do any of that. Because my parents don't trust me..at age 21..to be safe by myself or without them. For my 21st birthday I totally forgot which day of the week my birthday was on, so I took a shift at my part time job and closed the store that day. No one genuinely wished me a happy birthday that day besides my parents and sister...who I'm sure half assed it as well. And friends half assed it with messages through texts and Facebook. Half-assed it at most. It's cool. I mean Blake took me out to dinner I think a few days before (or after)...but nothing fancy. Like I wish I could have this really cool celebration with my friends...if I had any friends...where we go all crazy and just relax. But I don't have any friends to begin with, because all the friends that I made in high school...I did a really good job pushing them away because I can only remember coming home most of the time to my mom telling me how my friends are not bad friends, but I'm not the same as they are, and they are on a different level where they can study and play but I can't. So I have to distant myself from them and just focus on studying. Gosh to think of it...I didn't do poorly in high school because I didn't "study", I just had different interests...such as in visual and performing arts instead of stereotypical subjects. Anyways after a good 6 years of that, I am really good at pushing people away in college, mostly because I come to believe that whoever people and I- are simply not at the same level (this is in the most non-arrogant way possible). I tend to buy into what people say to me too much. But I think that in the end I'm losing more by listening to them than what I would have started out with by myself. I also push people away because my mom always told me that "so and so" didn't really do "whatever they did" even though there is physical evidence of it, and that they are simply lying to me. They are lying that they didn't do well in the class, they are lying about how they failed the class, they are lying about going to this place.... xyz. So I simply believe that everyone is a huge liar. My dad too. I don't extend beyond my comfort zone (that my parents set for me) because my parents have made it clear to me that if I do..then "what for?". I want to go abroad so I can learn about different cultures and explore new places. "What for?" I want to move to the east coast in the future because i love the weather and outdoor environment there. "What for? Just go there for vacation." I want to pursue an education in the visual/performing arts because I'm truly passionate for the subjects. "What for? there are many adult classes and classes at the gym you can join without becoming a professional in that field". I want to go on a trip with friends.. "What for? We can go there during winter break or in the summer."

Well I'm sorry. Sometimes I just want friends.

And after all this crap, my dad once had the audacity to tell me that I don't focus in school or perform well because I can't stop partying and I seriously have to stop partying.


I'm sorry.
wait.
what?

I...party?
Wait...I ....PARTY? I PARTY? I DO? WOW WAIT. WHEN DID I PARTY? HOW DID PART OF ME HAVE FUN SOMEWHERE AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW? ? ?? ? ?? ?!?
I'm honestly really just done. I came to college not wanting to be friends with anyone here simply because I was too stuck up to accept people from different backgrounds. But I did end up wanting to be friends with one person. We did end up living together, but I'm pretty sure out of "differences" in ideas and lifestyle choices, we slightly drifted. Now. I am living with my sister because YOU guys wanted me to. And you accused me of PARTYING? When the most entertaining thing we probably did when I lived with her was talk about our days and crack jokes on her bed. WOW SOME PARTY WE HAD.

I can't watch or go through people's "21 birthday fun" album/video without feeling jealous, angry, or sad. Because I can't but help to think that I am this really sad person who can't do all these normal life milestone things because 1) I really don't have friends to begin with 2) The friends that I have in my life right now are 'half-assed' friends either because they really are half-assing our friendship, or they're half-assing it because they're too far away and occupied with whatever jobs they are taking on in the industry 3) I did this to myself only because I wanted to be a good child and listen to my parents 4) if I did eventually pull this together, Blake would probably ask me if I want to be a slut because I would want to go to clubs or something like that in Vegas, or he would make some excuse about how if he can't go I can't go, or how he did this background screening on the guys that are going and he can't trust them and some shit will probably happen and we'll explode and it's the same old same old 5) friends are half-assing it again with the 'um if X can't go then I won't go' or "i don't have money to go"...... 6) I don't have girl friends so they're all guys


Okay this was a long rant and it didn't really get anywhere because I never know how to put my emotion in words. But just know I totally teared up watching that 21 birthday in the west coast video, and reading your description about how you'll never forget this trip it was so fun. Because I know for my 21, I worked half the day and cleaned up the store, then I went home and that was it. Plus I don't even remember what I ate for dinner that night, and I think I ended up fighting with Blake that night or maybe the day after. Ridiculous. What has my life become. One without "memorable milestones" because I'm too scared to voice my opinions and allow others control me.

21 October 2014

I'm so fucked up right now. 
I spent an entire hour crying in class the other day, and then I wanted to feel in ballet so now my leg's fucked up. 

13 October 2014

I want you to want me this way
And I need you to need me to stay
If you say that you don't feel a thing
If you don't know, then just let me go.

ignore my dumb self

Things that hit me the hardest with hs nostalgia includes:

11th grade
dumb high school relationships
CG family & Ave Maria ♥ ♥ ♥ //Sara //CG MARRIAGES OMFG GUYS
going over to Kat&Char's to bake and just hang out
orchestra & all southern/honors orchestra/disneyland performances
marching band & disneyland performances & friday night football games
DENNY'S RUN AFTER MB
♥ sabre queen right here ♥
acoustic guitar / singing
dance (ballet/lyrical)
pop punk music and alt folk
sigur ros/sia/bon iver
meeting a lot of people at all the irvine high schools (Woodbridge/Irvine/Uni) and getting everyone to love and hate me in two different waves
the first time I went to NYC (dude my life changed 4ever)
karma hitting hard both ways
thinking that i was really going to pursue music/dance/advertisement as possible career fields
thrifting/brunching/coffee adventures/shopping/beach house with Chloe
September/October/November/December 11th grade


Wowowowowow this list basically sums up my high school life.
Remember the years when we fell in love while morning mist gathered in the early hours of the day, and the slow walks home under the soft swaying trees along the trails?

The future we would fabricate and dream about- what we really hoped for, was all uncertain. And how innocent everything was...and how perfect it all seemed.

Our lives was a story out of those cliche cheesy teenage romance novels.
We had it all.


I miss that so so much.

I miss Northwood so much and the shitastic memories it left me with.
Bahhhhhh.
How did I end up here?
When did we get so old, and how did time fly by so fast?