05 December 2015


currently: Watching Legally Blonde

Done with finals and academics for fall quarter of grad school, but the stress is still overwhelming.
Two weeks left until winter break.
I really need to see a doctor.

the things people say about you can be pretty mean, and they start getting to your head when it stays around long enough


23 November 2015

To Learn

RTL (micro architecture)
VLSI (do i know this already??)
logic circuit design

French language
Danish?? language
Typography Families
Latte Art (finally learned how to pull shots correctly, now to learn how to master frothing milk...)
Marketing 101
creating lens flare (is this possible?)
drum set (sos lorraine please help my t-grip)(sos timmy help teach)
bjj or kickboxing (so different but yeah)
insanity, but i suppose establishing a routine first..
professional development
get back into biking and swimming (bruhhh)
omg. i have. to learn. how to. play an acoustic. THIS HAS BEEN PUT OFF FOR WAY TOO LONG.
style me. bc wtf is this nonsense 17 year old brandy grunge shit i've got going on.. (oh wait. i did this so that lab peeps can chill da faq out lel)
I have a killer headache right now.
But I have to keep pushing through.

There's nothing as rewarding as the results after (literal) blood, sweat, tears, and many over night hours put into making a show happen. So here's to a new performance in the making.
Wish Sarah was still here in my life to remind us that there's no reward for the lazy. That we aren't good enough until we're perfect.
Will always remember to keep my head high and my mind humble.
To dream big, and shoot for the moon.

Justice will find us someday, and they will wake some day to see past all that's been wrong.

18 November 2015

I've Been Thinking Too Much

now playing: ride | twenty øne piløts
currently: stressing over job appppps

22 or 17?
Can't tell, but does it even matter?

Today my friends were trying to show me an article on accepting depression and how to overcome it.. o..k.. gtfo pls thnx

I'm falling, so I'm taking my time.

14 November 2015

I never understood what they say how an ugly personality can ruin a pretty face, until I met you.

Every time I lose motivation, inspiration, and drive, I think about how desperate you and your friends are. How insecure you guys are and how you guys go out of your way to secure a spot for yourselves. But when the time comes to prove yourselves, you guys can't even do so. I laugh.... Tell me so boldly and so loudly how you're great at - again? Because I swear I saw you trip and fall. Good god what is wrong with everyone at this school. Is this a blue collar thing?

Geezus. Wait up my friends, I'm coming soon. Because I'm tired of hanging out with these creativity-lacking low lives. I can't wait to be in a life surrounded by the cultured again.

12 November 2015

Past lives couldn't ever come between us
Some time the dreamers finally wake up
Don't wake me I'm not dreaming
Don't wake me I'm not dreaming

Islands under eyelids
Swim through the silence
You were all that, all that, all that I needed
Falling, falling into the deep end now

11 November 2015

Break My Fall From the Writings On The Wall

A million shards of glass
That haunt me from my past
As the stars begin to gather
And the light begins to fade
When all hope begins to shatter
Know that I won't be afraid

If I risk it all
Could you break my fall?


10 November 2015

Welcome to Grad School and Other Weekend Things

currently: laying in my bed in the most uncomfortable position ever but too lazy to adjust
now playing: dopamine (album) | børns

School started on the second to last week of September. I have to say that graduate school isn't all about the classes but more focused on research. (Assuming you're not on the academic-based masters program track). Our 2015 entering cohort has around 20 people which is nice because you get to know everyone on a more personal level and bond better.

As a MSE major, the field covers a mix of different engineering, math, and physical sciences. Therefore the classes are mixed categories.
→ This quarter I'm taking crystal structure and [chem dept's] thermodynamics. For both of the classes we just meet two times a week MW and TR for 1hr20min.
→ We have a really great professor for thermodynamics, but the class is difficult. It reminds me of the thermodynamics we took as an undergraduate but there are more derivations involved (bleh). This class is half MSE students and half chem dept students.
→ Crystals is really hard to understand and even visualize. But I think I'm getting a grasp of what's going on. It just makes me sad because a lot of the graduate students who studied MSE as an undergraduate have more advantage in this class because they've been exposed to the subject before.

As soon as the first week of school was over, we ended our "Welcome to America" tour for Sebastian with a mini Vegas trip.
We left the IE at 7ish, made one stop at the south outlets in Primm for a mcdonalds/bathroom stop, and got to Vegas at midnight. Because we weren't going to stay for a long time in the city, we decided to max out our time there so we wandered around down the strip for the rest of the night, all the way to Planet Hollywood for Earl of Sandwich until 4am (LOL). We were so tired when we got back to our rooms.
We stayed at the Palazzo ♥ and had joint rooms next to each other, so we just opened the middle door. Attempts of pregaming were made pre-wandering but I think we were so tired that it was hard to tell if we were drunk or sleepy. I had my first Fat Tuesday too!! :D It was very yummy. Though, I would prefer a strawberry flavored one next time.

The same morning (since I guess our activities technically started on Saturday), we woke up at 11 and went to White Castle, which I thought was absolutely disgusting and that we should've spent the extra dollars at Shake Shack down the street because you can't go wrong with that, but there's no one to blame for visiting White Castle because it's worth the visit anyways- you'll never know until you try. Then we did some gambling at the Mirage where S won a SHITLOAD (excuse my language but it really is a lot) of money. Almost 1K, to be clear. (Like welcome to the USA dude, for reals). We left the casinos and headed back to the pool at our hotel because we couldn't settle on which day club to go to (laaaaaame). Also it was way past the time of free entrance and a few people were wishy washy about pool-ing. (seriously guys?). Anyways, we ended up at Azure, at our place. The music was pretty good but the crowd had a "i'm too cool for this" vibe (or rather maybe they were too old (late 20's?). M and I tried to get the crowd to turn up...I'd say we reached 60% turnt, then we got too tired and we just left everyone hahah. We were going to hit up Bacchanal after the pool, but our plans changed and we went to the Buffet at Bellagio instead. Though it was older and not renovated to meet the standards of other resorts, I think the food was really good and worth the price. Plus, there was only a 15 min wait- could be off season or just early? Not sure. But big shout out to Sebastian because he bought us all dinner...yes all $660ish of it. Post dinner, D and I wandered off to cash out our vouchers but discovered Hyde Lounge (at Bellagio) and its beauty along the way. The GM was very nice and put my name+party onto the list so that we could get back in later for FREEE! heh. But anyways we had plans to go to TAO but that fell through, then our promoter gave us problems so we ended up at 1oak, which I did not enjoy very much BUT that's not to say that I didn't enjoy the time I spent with everyone. (D also tried to buy the girls a taxi so that we didn't have to walk down the strip again in our heels but C paid for it instead...THANK YOU! ♥). In 1oak, we formed a circle (hah how LB exclusive of us to do such a thing #typical) and just danced the night away....more like the girls danced their feet away and then we left because we were all in pain and the guys carried us (see- dragged) out LOL (jk @ drag). But yeah. Thanks to C and E for buying us (10 people) shots in the club. Sebastian bought us all beers after we left the club so thanks for that :) //D and C didn't come out clubbing with us that night, they had the evening to themselves strolling down the strip.// But anyways. D and I went back and everyone else gambled until the early AM.

View of the Strip from Hyde

Sunday morning we had a huge clean up of the mess we made in the hotel room. And out of habit E tried to make the beds and put pillows back onto the beds LOL. I thought that was kind yet funny. C M and I went downstairs for ...they got coffee and I got pressed juice from Juice Farm (omg that $12 makes me appreciate SoCal juices). After checking out, we went to Carlo's Bakery (didn't phase me much) and I took a small leave to visit Bouchon♥. After gambling some more (LOL so much gambling) we went to arts district for tacos....thanks E and S for the rec...the food was really good!! We headed home after and said good bye to Sebastian once we got back to school because his flight was the next day at noon.

S's crazy camping bus he drove to Yosemite the week before!!

sorry not sorry

Sunday's OOTD, twinning outfits with Steph btw!

another millionth time we lost Thomas, GOSH DARN IT TOM

bathroom stop!!

also trying to see the eclipse
What a weekend.

The LB group really does know how to 'cram' and 'make the most' out of everything :) I thought it was quite dead and unlively for a vegas trip but I still cherish the moments and memories I make with my peers. It was very fun now thinking back :)

Take Me Out To The Ballgame

Between Scandi and Austin, the week when I was back in Cali, we had a little lab-venture on Wednesday. We bought tickets on Tuesday and went out to LA to see the Dodgers in Echo Park. They were scheduled to play against the Colorado Rockies. We left work and went to Norwalk to take the Green Line Dodger Express (I think it was the Green line and not the Blue Line, I'm just confused because Blue line is in LB and E joined us from nearby...so I could be wrong). The Dodger Express took us into DTLA, to Echo Park, and straight into the stadium parking lot.

We had quite nice seats.

This was part of the "Welcome to America" 'tour' for Sebastian. :D

For someone who normally is not phased by baseball, I'd say going to a live game is very enjoyable and fun. Perhaps it's the crowd, atmosphere, and friends. I'd do it again another time :)

Technology Convention aka I LOVE INTEL ♥

....That's what I'm guessing TECHCON stands for.
(Disclaimer: Here comes a flood of long overdue posts.)

now playing: Love Myself | Hailee Steinfield
mood: reminiscing

So I come back from Scandinavia and a week later I'm off to Austin, TX for the conclusion of my summer internship. As part of the 12% of the interns chosen to attend the conference, I feel blessed and thankful for the opportunity to be able to meet and listen to the stories of so many people that inspire and influence women in STEM. The night before we flew out, we actually went back to school for last minute edits and rehearsals (oh gosh the life of being in our lab- hectic, nerve-wrecking, but worth it in the end). I ended up getting the posters printed at 11pm back home, which reminds me I still need to ask W for reimbursements....

{Sunday} | We flew out bright and early in the morning from LAX.

N, S, M and I were on the same flight. D flew out at 6a, and I believe W flew out after us at 10a. S and I had breakfast from the Lemonade LA stand in terminal 4, and all four of us flew out of LA with Delta at 8am. We got into Austin at 2pm..ish and took the blue shuttle that the company provided for us to The Renaissance Hotel. The hotel was very pleasant and perfect for hosting professional events. With 10ish floors and open courtyard high ceiling with all the rooms facing the courtyard, it was beautiful during the day and night. All our events were hosted in the hotel, in the meeting rooms, ballrooms, and the courtyard. When we got to the hotel, we checked in, set our posters up, and met up with the other LB group. At around 4pm all of the hosted interns (I say this because there are fellowship students, industry members, corporate members, professors as well as individual visitors ....and some events are invited interns exclusive only) gathered for a group picture then headed out to Lady Bird Lake in downtown for a river cruise social and to see the bats that live under the Ann W. Richards Congress Avenue Bridge.

The river cruise dinner social was a pretty lovely event by itself because I met a lot of students from Georgia Tech (random but happened to sit together) while enjoying what I happened to be craving at the moment - GUAC♥. L E L but for realZ they served mexican food/fajitas that evening on the boat, as well as an open bar (which is quite interesting because for the next three days there was always a time (or times) during the day where we would have access to an open bar). On the last third of our boat journey, the sun was starting to go down and Austin's city skyline suddenly served as a beautiful backdrop to the sun setting. The bats were quite a spectacular scene as well. There were many other boats on the lake waiting for the bats to fly out, as well as many pedestrians standing at the top of the bridge looking down and waiting. I thought that because most of the residents are familiar with this bat bridge, that they wouldn't be watching the little mammals fly out. But boy was I wrong, the bridge was PACKED. The event ended at 9 and we got back at around 10p. Nothing spectacular happened after besides walking to the Target two streets down with D N and M to buy snacks and water.

{Monday} | Breakfast was served at 6 and everything was buffet style. (Most meals were served as buffet style in the conference, besides dinner which was brought out in a three course style).

Monday's Business Casual OOTD

After breakfast we had a guest speaker event, and then followed by back to back seminars, talks, lunch, workshops, 2 poster sessions, and the intern presentations. D and I were partners for poster session so we were pretty nervous because he's never presented a poster, and I was nervous because of all the industry members that were present. But things went great and we supported each other the best we could, filling in for each other when a poster visitor tested us on foreign knowledge or asked us about the impossible. In between every rotation for the events they had Starbucks, snacks, and soda for us which we all took to our advantage to keep us from boredom, freezing to death, and hunger (LOL). Before dinner there was an open bar reception. With the sun setting, the dusk shadows sunk through the glass ceilings of the courtyard, making everything gorgeous along with the candles around the high standing tables in the reception area.

That evening, S M N and I took an über to downtown and went bar hopping on 6th. Well, attempted to because we didn't end up hopping, we just stayed at one bar..and honestly I don't know what it's called even though I tried to Google Map stalk the location. But they had a really good dj that night so we stayed until they closed...it was pretty funny but great. I'd say you were lucky if you got to see our snaps xD
Things were pretty turnt until we got back to the hotel entrance. No need for explaining.

{Tuesday} | Due to last night's event, S and I missed breakfast LOL. But we had another great and eventful day filled with activities, presentations, and poster sessions back to back.

Tuesday night was quite lovely to be honest. The most exciting event of Tuesday was the career event, which was like a mini-career fair but limited to Intel, Micron, IBM, Raytheon, ARM, AMD, ADI, Freescale, GlobalFoundaries, and Texas Instrument. (I don't think I missed anyone)It was very nerve-wrecking but fun at the same time. M and I teamed up and we did a duo where we would introduce ourselves as a team then split based on our specialties and fields lolol, this was very effective and people liked it because we were able to answer a larger variety of questions based on our knowledge/specialization together. This worked well until Intel broke us up because they wanted to interview 1-1. Another open bar with lots of chips, guac, and 4 types of salsa. After the career-industry session, we had our dinner banquet, award presentation, along with raffles. Raffles were pretty cool, most companies raffled off smart watches, Fitbits, and Micron raffled off a SSD as well as an ASUS laptop!! ~pros of being in the tech industry~

That evening we tried to live Monday nights' bar hop but it wasn't effective because we couldn't find the other interns (which, we figured couldn't bar hop yet because most of them were only 20 or 19) and for some reason it wasn't turnt enough. But we went to a few bars and ended up getting delicious NY-style pizza.

{Wednesday} | After three days of semi-formal wear, buffets, business card and resume trading, socializing with bright engineers/individuals from a variety of schools (s/o to princeton, u michigan, georgia tech for being our main buddies), open bars, listening to inspirational talks (thank you Barbara McAllister!), meeting Intel/Micron and other industry members, presenting our posters and defending them for each other, running into students from our collaborators' labs, and just pure fun..... we finally left to catch our 1pm flight back to LA.

I'm quite fond of this free shirt we got at the conference

It was such a fun and eye-opening experience that I get to treasure for a lifetime. I'm so glad I was able to meet so many other engineers and network with the different companies :)


13 October 2015

Writing Season

I could tell you about my adventures in Texas (I will), or the Dodgers game I went to (eventually updating...), or perhaps the weekend getaway to Vegas (duh! how could I miss out on that), or my first experiences with grad school (a must.) on my blog post today.
But instead I'm going to ignore everything that's been happening in my life recently, and set the time aside to talk about how much I miss NYC. I was on my Tumblr friends' facebook accounts, looking at  their first few weeks in college. Some of the pictures are just street scenes or NYC skylines. Even though I haven't been to the City for two or some years now, just seeing those pictures suddenly throws me back into that moment during fall when I went for the first time with the east coast sun nibbling the tips of my ears and the cold wind surrounding my face. I can smell the grotesquely familiar street scents and hear the angry taxis honking as pedestrians left and right hurry to their workplace.

It's great, and it's been too long.
/end of shallow reminiscing and goes back to much NSF writing/

15 September 2015

Catching Up

now playing: firsts | cold war kids
I feel like everytime I update this blog, it is a huge catching-up post for what's happened over the month.

Following the collaboration and work at GWU, I came back to school for a week to do more pattern processing. When the week ended, I left for my trip to Scandinavia immediately.

Europe was beautiful, per usual. This time I visited Denmark, Norway, Sweden, and Finland. I spent the most time in Denmark and Norway, and briefly in Sweden and Finland. I am in love with Copenhagen and their lifestyle. I was also able to visit Odense (cute and small city, mainly famous because of Hans Christian Anderson), Hillerød, and Helsingør while in Denmark.

Moving to other countries- Norway is slightly out of touch with the world, but I rank it closely as a favorite just under Copenhagen because of all the beautiful UNESCO sites there were in the country. Norway isn't exciting in general, but it is SO so so so beautiful in terms of its scenery and nature. Sweden was disappointing to me, but maybe that is because I didn't stay for a very long time there. Finland seems like it could be interesting if I had time, but it did give me a hint of Russian influence, plus it was also more bare compared to the other countries.

Anyways. I hope I find time to update my travel blog so I can upload the Italy trip first, then Whistler, and Scandinavia LOL.

School has been a little...I don't know to be honest. I like what I do, but the people...to put it nicely, I feel like I can never fit in anymore and I don't even know what I did wrong...or so wrong to put it.

It's like high school all over again.
Except no one tells me over AIM that I'm an ass-wipe...just whispering it to each other and finding ass-wipe-appropriate remarks and jobs for me.

I guess.

11 August 2015

August Adventures to GWU & other places in D.C.

Before August even arrived, one of my colleagues pulled me out of a journal presentation gathering to ask me if I would like to accompany them to D.C. again to work on his project (etc). Skipping all the details and politics of elimination and selection; a day later I got the confirmation that I would be the one to go with them, and fast forward another day- I got the O-K to purchase plane tickets etc. On the third day I got on the plane and took a red-eye flight to Washington DC.

I'm not going to post a picture post where I talk about what I do everyday because it's self-explanatory (sort of) on Facebook with the GWU-DC album I provide for viewing. But my daily schedule looks sort of like:
0900: wake up
0915: coffee run to illy
0930: get on campus and into the office space
1000: start running EBL or /whatever/ microscope needed for /whichever/ test(s)
1200: lunch near campus (so many options = heaven!)
1300: continue experiment
1700: go home (this could be at 1800)
1830: go out to get dinner
1945: go/get home and go online or start my studying

There's not a lot of time for me to really wander or explore DC, but when I had time I have visited some of the places. By far my favorite is the entire DuPont district because everything is so beautiful, mellow, romantic, and quiet there. I feel like if I really want to, I can spend an entire Sunday there...
As far as stay goes- the professor of the group I'm visiting here at GWU has covered my lodging using AirBNB.
My AirBNB place is quite nice. It is a condo that has a bellman, RIFD key security downstairs, elevator, a lobby with a waiting lounge down stairs, and a rooftop pool. In my place I have a queen bed, television with cable, kitchen/bathroom/dining table, AC and heating unit, as well as towels and sheets provided. My host was very kind to tell me about the neighborhoods.

My professor I'm collaborating with is so generous and I cannot express my gratitude enough for his efforts. The group is very kind and open-minded which makes them very excellent team players and easy to communicate with. I was able to sit in someone's master defense, which was rather an intimate one and gain knowledge on how those things work, as well as participate in a 5-6 hour long group meeting (dear goodness), and go out for celebratory champagne via the professor invite. The school is beautiful (at least the Science and Engineering Hall is) and the campus is together but scattered across many blocks. In front of the S&EH is a Whole Foods which is ever so convenient, GWU is next to the 2000 Penn Ave which provides some cafes for lunch (and also many other dining shops), the school is next to a metro station, behind me is the Park Hyatt and Fairmont and Ritz Carlton, and three blocks down from my condo is a Trader Joes. I've learned how to navigate the streets quite decently (which is funny because the diagonal streets threw me totally off the first two days), and use the metro/bus lines smoothly. The people here are quite friendly yet reserved, and the city is still beautiful and awake like how cities should be, but definitely CLEANER and nicer than NYC or SF. Could this city possibly be a/my new muse?
Perhaps I'll blog more in depth on my travel blog once I clear up my Italy 2014 trip on the blog first. But for now...that's about it.

Things to do when of if I come back to DC again:
-DuPont farmers market
-visit more museums
-hang out in Georgetown more
-try more cupcakeries or bakeries (mainly in georgetown)
-visit the Mosaic District
-try pho14 or pho75
-diversify my coffee shop ventures
-watch a movie on the lawn on the national mall
-rooftop lounge/happy hour/dinners
-try Beefsteak (maybe this will happen before the end of this trip)
-brunch in Dupont/West End x4290348904 (!!!)
-take a weekend trip to NYC or even to Cape Cod :D

July Update

It's been more than a month since my last update. Since then lots of things has happened. Mostly the same old same old.

New things include: actually being comfortable with using an AFM machine by myself, giving a really bad journal club presentation, more kickbacks at T's house and lots of fun and angry times, T's birthday weekend (so fun! post-bbq car ride home :D ), hanging out with J/A/M, counting down to GRE aka stressing myself out everyday, actually going to the gym more frequently, being one of the first people to visit the new Starbucks on campus with T/T/D/P/E!!, D's goodbye at Hero's and learning out the servers there are untrustworthy the hard way..., going to an unusual amount of happy hours in a week (but was very happy about it all), watching many movies, growing graphene, getting clean room access and (unofficial) training!!, dinner at Five Crowns, going to kbbq every other week unintentionally, starting grad school apps (but abandoning it due to hectic schedule), getting my picture published in C&EN, MAKING PATTERNED SUBSTRATES, getting tased voluntarily with friends 0_0, finding a bomb taco place thanks to A, finalized lab moving, getting my new bed and dresser♥, trying to keep my head above the immature social life people douse themselves with around me, ...and getting offered to go to DC!!!

So there has obviously been a lot that's happened in a month, as well as more thing that I don't remember at the moment. Most of them are related to work or friends via work. I'm happy with what I do, I just don't enjoy the social experience from it too much because of jealousness and unnecessary hatred. (I promise I didn't do anything this time around).
But time is moving really fast recently and lots of new things keep coming into my life. It's hard to slow down and explain it all. I'm so backed up on my Brunching Lady blog too, I wish I could update that. I guess that will happen when I get extra time.

Entry on DC to come in next post...

xo i

04 July 2015

June-ly / [JOON-lie]

listening to: grimesz | go
mood: exhausted
Totally did not update respectively towards the days counting down to graduation.
Maybe I'll do a quick update later? Perhaps not. Depending on the time I have.

I've just finished week 3 of summer internship and researching, heading into week 4.
So far this is what things have been looking like:
`Days start at 6 or 8 depending on the schedule/day.
`Tutoring classes with the internship group every other day at 830a, and on off days raman time starts at 630a (tentative).
`The rest of the day consists of normal growth, workshops (!! ♥), and moving the lab.
`Going home at (anywhere between) 10p-12a.

Things that make me anxious/worried/nervous:
`my diet and fitness plans thanks to the hectic schedule (see 10 pm dinners, and not eating but always eating)
`not having enough time to study for the quizzes and materials I should be studying for, for the classes we're put in
`not having enough time to read papers/journals for our journal club → aka shitty presentations
`not having enough time to just de-stress → not having sanity of any sort... → mental breakdowns eventually ??
`not sleeping enough (going back to first point of this block)
`spending money like crazy on the weekends as a form of de-stressing (see retail therapy/my confessions of a shopaholic)
`a HUGE misunderstanding of me, behind my back, that is totally not true but has now spread to rumors..but who has time or immaturity for this shit?...which reminds me- FUCK YOU BITCH.

Things I've done that are in the more positive light:
`build better relations with certain people in the group
`moved out of my place and into another apartment complex with T~
`making memories day by day
`bond with the REU students
`finding new exciting things from my growth
`getting trained on/learning how to use the AFM
`getting a gym membership to try to force myself into a routine
`finished my bio/abstract/travel info for the convention in sept. (this took like 3 weeks to complete but i'm so happy i'm done)
`cleaning up my room (slowly) and hoping to get my new bed frame and dresser soon

I could keep making lists/ more lists/ different lists...but I'm not going to do that because once I start with my list-o-phile habit I'm going to go totally off topic and such.
We're currently in a long weekend which means more time to do things. So hopefully with two days left, I can accomplish more!!! I feel like I'm on this crazy grind but at the same time not really doing anything...if that makes sense? But I think you'd need to be in my shoes to understand.
Sorry for this slightly unstructured ramble. I just needed to get an update out.

xo i

08 June 2015

In about 7 hours, we're looking at:
1. group meeting & powerpoint presentation
2. report writing
3. office hours
4. final exam studying
5. sample mapping.
...on tomorrow's agenda.

Hello finals week.
Four days until graduation.
///not very happy about you copying the shit off my resume-profile...but I mean whatever I guess.

29 May 2015

7. Friday

Since I'm here and it's already Friday...

My day tomorrow:
Mijn dag van morgen:
Ma journée de demain:
8.00 Wake up
8.30 Off to growth meeting
9.00 Cue first growth
11.30 GSOE luncheon meeting event for STEM teaching plans
13.00 Start second growth & work
17.00 Raman
After that: Home!

28 May 2015

8. Thursday

Today was pretty good:
-Woke up earlier than I try to schedule myself to.
-There was absolutely nobody in line at Coffee Bean, so I was able to get my London Fog asap.
-This meant going to work/lab earlier than scheduled...resulting in starting early and giving myself ample time to work on my report that was due. Then I actually finished the report an hour before it was due (yes "very late", but way better than all the times that I'm still trying to finish it up as the class is starting five buildings down).
-I got to ask the teaching assistants all the questions I had in the time we were waiting for our reactions to heat up.
-Got to input all the data and analyzation data that I've been behind on
-Lab and work ended at 430 pm, meaning I got to eat dinner at 445 pm
-Went to the AWIS social event with A and V, (post on BL blog), and had a really nice time customizing my own mug.

And now it's past 12 and I'm still awake, but I blame myself for giving myself way too much time because I was essentially done with everything before 10. But I have a powerpoint to make for tomorrow's presentation so I'm working on that right now.

Tomorrow's Friday!! Hopefully the sashes come in soon so we can have our photoshoot.
bonne nuit!

♥ i

27 May 2015

Constant Headache

Your love was foreign to me.
It made me think maybe
Human's not such a bad thing to be.

But I just laid there in protest
Entirely fucked.
It's such a stubborn reminder
One perfect night's not enough.

It's just a constant headache
A tooth out of line.
They try to make you regret it
You tell them, “No, not this time”

I'm just a constant headache.
A dead pet device.
You hang me up, unfinished
With the better part of me no longer mine.
fucking love this song.

9. Wednesdays

I'm in love with film, cities, dreams, astrological signs, leather bags, romance, novels, academia, ballet, and designs.

It's too late and a tad early.
I am so tired yet there's too much work to do.
I'm giving in to things too easily, letting whatever take the best of me.
Wake up, there's only 8 more academic and 2 final exam dates left until the end of this.

1 day until outreach/meet and greet craft event
2 days until meeting with GSOE/BCOE Teach. Ed. Luncheon
9 days until the last undergrad chem report due
9 days until the end of undergraduate classes
13 days until final #1
15 days until final #2
17 days until graduation
19 days until my internship starts!

20 May 2015

Reasons why I should keep my chin up and not be so down..
1) things aren't so bad..yet
2) I have plans and support (so far still) for post-graduation/grad school bound
3) a paying internship
4) being relocated and having amazing roommates now
5) events lined up for me till the end of the quarter
6) guardian angel friends around to catch me and watch out for me when I fall
7) going to be living in a nice complex next year if all goes as planned
8) Stockholm/Copenhagen 2015 is real (!!)
9) didn't have to shell out 1k for a new phone (thanks!!)
10) people who see beyond her/their lies and support/back me up (thank you!!)
11) an amazing friend/lab partner who understands my workload and tries to help me out with it by doing so much of the work and unintentionally making me feel guilty for it..
12) -materialistic blessings..-

15 May 2015

I want to believe everyone and everything.
But that's why I get hurt so easily.


I have so many things, feelings, and emotions I want to confess to. But I don't know how or who to tell.

Life goes on.

07 May 2015

I ruin everything for myself.

I ruin friendships.
I ruin family relationships.
I ruin my grades and school.
I sabotaged us.
And now I'm still sabotaging "us".

Fuck fuck fuck.
I'm sorry? I would take it all back if I could? But you're totally different now, and it's all because of me, I'm so sorry.

03 May 2015

Caring Is Creepy

now playing: no shade in the shadow of the cross | sufjan stevens
mood: tired

I was going to complain.
But then I realized that it wouldn't solve any of my problems.

It's hard trying to keep up with everyone's demands/requests when you set high standards for yourself and people expect higher because you set the bar high already.

Getting there is like learning a new song on the piano/viola/marimba, trying to perfect a technique in dance, or trying to get perfect catches in guard even though your hands have lost all nerve-related-feeling for the week. When you've perfected everything, people, from the outside, see you as this beautiful thing and envy you. But when you're still on the road, it's blood, sweat, and tears. Everything hurts and frustrates you. The road is long, tiring, and lonely. But once I'm there I know looking back will be bitter-sweet and the end is rewarding.

I just want to go home, go to the beach, lay in the warm sand, smell the salty scent of seawater, listen to the waves crash, and temporarily forget everything :'- (

30 April 2015

now playing: fidelity | regina spektor (for the #tbt)
mood: sleepy

We're already halfway done with this week.
Therefore we are a fraction-over-half of this quarter, meaning I'm almost officially done with school!

So far I've (milestones & other highlights/firsts):
→ gotten closer to people in my major♥
→ joined a research group /made lots of new friends
→ gotten back into volunteering - never thought I'd have time for it again after high school ended, but I'm so glad I've made time for this because it makes me so happy :)
→ created my first ever official poster (and felt pretty broke after doing so)
→ had my first video call with another school research group
→ reached out to and support a non-profit organization I care about
→ formed study groups - something I never thought would happen!!
→ presented at a symposium!
→ join organizations of similar academic interest and background
→ landed a summer internship and won a scholarship for it

unacademic-wise I've:
→ tidied up and reorganized relationships
→ brought back (high school) senior-year traditions!! {late night food runs, movie nights, getting coffee, hang outs, spontaneous dinner outings on school nights, laughing non-stop until our stomachs hurt, making stupid hierarchies and making fun of each other, not taking work seriously but taking work seriously, going over to people's places to hang out to just hang out, fussing over dumb drama that no one cares about but making drama nonetheless, etc...)
→ gained more control over my emotional balance
→ learned to let go of things that are not worth my time

what I still need to do:
→ figure out summer plans
→ be more involved with school (academically)
→ figure out where I'll be moving to next year
→ become better at video editing
→ become more involved with the organizations I'm in
→ learn how to not procrastinate and sleep before 12am! (or more like learn how to get stuff done at work more efficiently so I'm not there till 8pm everyday !!!)
→ get SP back and updated again

Ahhhh, I'm still in denial that this is senior year, and there's only 4 more weeks and 2 days left!!
Hopefully I'll be updating more and more to document the last few weeks of my undergraduate career.

xo i

27 April 2015

Slowly inching towards sanity after getting rid of toxic people in my life.
The past two years has made me a crazy that I've never been before.
Who do I like and how do I love?

24 April 2015

Suburban and Typical

Since when did we grow so far apart and different? (Since when did you get so rude)

now playing: teenage icon | the vaccines ♥
mood: tired

Powerpoint done, now time to work on my poster.
➣Glad that tomorrow's meeting is pushed back 30 min so I can get something to eat, but a little nervous about having another phone?video?skype? call with the HQ because I need to go to office hours but I really need to keep up with what's happening in the lab as well
➣This weekend's gonna be tough. I need to finish my poster (probably 3-4 drafts + printing time), complete my report, study for organic synthesis class so I can actually actually come up with intellectual questions and go to office hours for that, complete paperwork, go bowling, and see Age Of Adaline (for Lana bae).
➣Had a fast, lowkey, yet enjoyable Thursday. Friday's going to be a slide into the chaotic weekend.

21 April 2015

I've felt so shitty everyday this past week, I haven't gone to any classes or lab, just laid in bed and do work an hour before it's due. All my growths have gone undocumented in research, only an ID number to make sure I record it down sometime. God save me.

Bleachers | I Wanna Get Better

my head hurts
i can't stop crying
and i feel sad.

the next few months are going to be of these annoying posts.
brace yourselves.

20 April 2015

Things I Noticed

1. Everything is a Schrödinger's Cat experiment and in a paradoxical state if untouched or avoided, the possibility of it being bad or good is at equally probable, so we cannot be certain of anything and the outcome until we conquer it.

2. As crazy as I am sometimes, I prefer retreating back to calmness and (literally) keeping things low-key, and I'm so happy I (kind of) realize the person I am /found myself/, and I think that this is hard to see because I come off as a slight extrovert in public

3. Anything is possible

4. I have this trend of hiding my face in pictures

5. You can't push me, no one can- and I'm not saying this in a confident sassy way, I literally mean that nothing, no deadlines, no bad grades, no person can push me unless I feel like accomplishing something, I won't do it.

6. Life is a circle but it is also a bell curve, we're alone at the end in the end. People come into our lives to teach us something but no one is going to be here forever

7. Forgive and love. It'll make the world a better place. An eye for an eye makes the world blind.

8. Invest in shoes, is possibly one of the most important thing that B has recommended to me that I've never realized

9. Life is crazy, within a month's span I've gone to a funeral and a wedding, and I've also had many small life events that I've never had before, we can't stop time to slow things down and pace these events, but we can treasure the times we spend with each other.

10. The hardship you encounter before your success is a blessing in disguise, and that no matter how hard things get, we have to remember that every cloud has a silver lining.

Happy Monday.
xo I

14 April 2015

B and I got tickets to see Sufjan Stevens the week before our last undergraduate finals!!! I'm so excited because it's going to be at the Dorothy Chandler Pavillion music hall! And we were lucky enough to get middle/centered orchestra seats too. Gahh!! :)

Side Effects pt 2

Imagine everything you ever wanted shows up one day and calls itself your life. And then just when you start to believe in it - gone. And suddenly it gets very hard to imagine a future. That's depression, right?

Today in class some guys told me that when they first met/saw me they thought that I seemed really cold/intimidating/mean/entitled and that I seemed like I had my shit together and was always really serious, until they got to know me better then found out I'm actually "really chill and nice". They even on further went to mention that I have the same vibes as one of the meanest chem professors we have on campus. Entertaining.

It amuses me, to hear that, a little. Who would've ever known I'd turn into someone that went from looking like "Nice Girl" to "Killer Girl". I guess that's what stress and messing around (and realizing that there's no more time for fun) too much does to you. It's like they say- "...there's a difference between tears of joy and tears of rage. Is that true? It's in the chemistry, but you can't tell by looking, they all just look like tears....". I guess your emotional state can really change your physical state.

(Just watch the first one)
Guys like Jimmy Fallon, Ryan Gosling, Joseph Gordon Levitt- soft and goofy ♥ unf
But really, Jimmy Fallon is so funny I love it xD

13 April 2015

Remember Me

"You once told me, our fingerprints don’t fade from the lives we touch. Is that true for everybody, or is it just poetic bullshit?”

Having another fucked up day.
I feel like I've lost everything within the span of one week.
First came the looks.
Then the 'suggestion',
and now the ever so typical silence.

You're killing me.
Are you mad at me?
Am I being replaced?

Fuck man, what did I do wrong?
Are there no second chances?


Saturday: Taught 12 sessions of boy scouts about energy waste from 9-4.
I can't stop thinking about vampire energy now, and I definitely respect high school teachers that have to teach the same subjects 6 times a day because it does get 'tiring' because you just keep repeating the same thing to new groups of kids, which means that you have to revamp your energy every period because the new group of kids deserve the same enthusiasm that the first group of kids received.

You also can't see me because there's too many people but- yay! :)
(and then I went to work after that until 7). hashtag- GG/tired

Sunday: Ate a 2 hour brunch by myself at the dining hall and saw Alec there, relaxed for too long, got boba, watched Fast and Furious 7 with D/V/T/T.

09 April 2015

The Real Hardstyle

now playing: playlists on 8tracks
mood: disheveled, but in the process of organizing

I am on the nmr reservation page, and I noticed that David's got raman from 1130pm-330am tonight. And because the space before mine was blank, someone decided to reserve 5-630am. Dang. Engineers go hard.

My day tomorrow:
Mijn dag van morgen:
Ma journée de demain:
5.45 Wake up
6.30 Off to raman
8.30 Breakfast/coffee run with Ari & others
9.00 Group meeting
10.30 Start growth
14.00 Growth 2
19.00 Training and lesson plan
After that: Back to my apt so I can get ready for Saturday's long day.

Maybe someday
You'll be somewhere
Talking to me
As if you knew me
Saying I'll be home for next year, darling.


02 April 2015

Elevated, I'm on new ground, at a different height.
You're holding me, gently around my waist; you think I will hurt myself.
Slowly the wind picks up and my hair flies.

You're still holding my hand.
Slowly I let go, and I fly.
Looking back, you're still grinning at me. Thank you

01 April 2015

Always Running for the Thrill of it

Today I joined a 4 hour Skype conference call with GWU and Stanford.
During the video conference, I got an email notifying I got the scholarship and internship I applied for two months ago. (yay!) An hour later, in the middle of class, I got a flood of notifications from my colleagues/co-workers telling me to check my email and spam 'CONGRATS' into my texting applications with the sudden interruption from my professor asking me to tell the class the correct answer to the homework sets. All good and happy things. I've been really happy at school. One of my colleagues got into graduate school, three of our people got a super prestigious science award/funding (16,000 applied, 2,000 awarded in the USA, 10 awarded to our school, and out of that 10 we had 3), and another paper of ours got approved to be published. I am scheduled to work 17 hours a week, but I've been working 7 hours overtime- I don't even mind! I feel as if I've found a new group of people I can click in with. But sometimes I'll look back at everyone I've left behind and it makes me sad. Are y'all well? How are you? What's going on, what's happening?

Someone told me something the other day when I couldn't stop whining about the past: "It simply meant that our...[past]...just couldn't keep up with us". It's such an asshole way to put it, but 100% on point. I guess in a way, I couldn't keep up with some of my past, and in other ways my past couldn't keep up with me.

Today, for the first time, I had also the thoughts of dropping my ballet class because it has been heavily interfering with one of my biggest commitments.

31 March 2015

I also have a mind blowing headache.
Pun may have been intended or not but head hurts too much to know at this point.
I feel constantly repressed.
And it's like you have a perfect reason for all your actions.
But it's not about what's technical or not.
It's that you're never aware of how others might possibly feel that could have provoked them to do what they did. You're just concerned with how others portrayed you as.

But have you ever thought about how and why others could've portrayed you as that way?
It goes beyond "what I said vs what you meant". Because if that's all you see, then you're shallow AF.

30 March 2015