16 April 2018
Weekend
Spending the weekend catching up with [old] friends over Israeli food, getting late brunch, browsing used/vintage books on Hawthorne, watching a Wes Anderson film at an 20's indie theater, making dinner at home on a Saturday night, browsing a 1910-built house in downtown, and cuddling a rainy day away isn't a bad way to do it...
24 March 2018
The rest of 17
Oh yeah, Outsidelands was wonderful. Also fell in love with Marin.
But Italy was even better...
I got a job in retail coffee when summer began, so that was fun for a bit.
And then I quit that to take an offer at my dream semiconductor job/company.
Went through the headache of becoming a homeowner (yay?), but feeling blessed nonetheless.
And here we are...
-i
But Italy was even better...
I got a job in retail coffee when summer began, so that was fun for a bit.
And then I quit that to take an offer at my dream semiconductor job/company.
Went through the headache of becoming a homeowner (yay?), but feeling blessed nonetheless.
And here we are...
-i
The thrill of knowing how alone we are...
now playing: creature comfort | arcade fire
It has been so long since the last time I wrote on here, so much has changed.
I am learning how to be alone, myself being away from myself.
There is a certain feeling of satisfaction with being alone and dissociating though.
like people watching in a house alone, except there are no people around or outside.
and enjoying a few hours without connection to the virtual world or any other humans.
There are a good number of things to explore and see out here.
a few parks, a number of coffee shops, a stroll downtown, a drive down southwest.
houses to fantasize about. music to discover. even new shows on Netflix to discover.
I love my company but I am unsatisfied with my job...
As usual, unrealistic expectations from the opposite sex trouble me and cross too many boundaries.
I miss my friends, I miss the beach.
Thank god spring has come and waking up means purple peach dawn skies, otherwise I've been waking up, leaving the house, and leaving work in the dark.
-i
It has been so long since the last time I wrote on here, so much has changed.
I am learning how to be alone, myself being away from myself.
There is a certain feeling of satisfaction with being alone and dissociating though.
like people watching in a house alone, except there are no people around or outside.
and enjoying a few hours without connection to the virtual world or any other humans.
There are a good number of things to explore and see out here.
a few parks, a number of coffee shops, a stroll downtown, a drive down southwest.
houses to fantasize about. music to discover. even new shows on Netflix to discover.
I love my company but I am unsatisfied with my job...
As usual, unrealistic expectations from the opposite sex trouble me and cross too many boundaries.
I miss my friends, I miss the beach.
Thank god spring has come and waking up means purple peach dawn skies, otherwise I've been waking up, leaving the house, and leaving work in the dark.
-i
19 August 2017
hi & nonsense ramblings
Post about feelings and things coming soon.
For now, I'm eavesdropping on a young adult talking about his job as a process engineer in Peets #overheard.
I'm also triggered/motivated by one of my (younger) colleague's successes and motivations. He is insanely aggressive and overachieving. Goals, goals, goals. I want to be, I need to be, I can be, I will be.
I'm quite content with my new laptop but I think there are some sound card?board? problems. I still prefer the UI of an Apple's Macbooks though.
Leo season is about to be over. I think there's not much that actually influences my day to day well-being, but there's a sense of pride and what not just with the thought of it...something to muse over I suppose.
I still need to plan out my trip to Italy, I feel obligated to meet up with this person even though I don't know him very well.
And if I'm lucky enough to get my job, I have to make a stop by NYC before I start another cycle of chaos.
I'll talk about OL and bay area in the next post
For now, I'm eavesdropping on a young adult talking about his job as a process engineer in Peets #overheard.
I'm also triggered/motivated by one of my (younger) colleague's successes and motivations. He is insanely aggressive and overachieving. Goals, goals, goals. I want to be, I need to be, I can be, I will be.
I'm quite content with my new laptop but I think there are some sound card?board? problems. I still prefer the UI of an Apple's Macbooks though.
Leo season is about to be over. I think there's not much that actually influences my day to day well-being, but there's a sense of pride and what not just with the thought of it...something to muse over I suppose.
I still need to plan out my trip to Italy, I feel obligated to meet up with this person even though I don't know him very well.
And if I'm lucky enough to get my job, I have to make a stop by NYC before I start another cycle of chaos.
I'll talk about OL and bay area in the next post
13 June 2017
Why Do People Fall in Love
Why do you fall in love?
so that I can feel something
Why do you hurt your self?
so that I can feel something
Do you fall in love so that you can hurt yourself?
12 June 2017
I wish people would understand
the anxiety that cripples my mental and physical wellbeing
the feeling of being scared when I sleep alone at night
the feeling of slowly drifting into this never ending spiraling pit of dark and numbness
the [good] feeling I get when I binge to feel but the [bad] side effects of that that floods me with guilt
the terrible stomachaches I get and how the only thing from stopping me from not actually throwing up from being so inconveniently nervous and anxious is that I fear throwing up more than most things in the world
how inconvenient my lack of hunger is 80% of the day, but also how inconvenient the look for my sudden need for binge is
But most of the time I feel really whiney when I have to explain this to people and of inconvenience. ugh i hate everything. everyone.
I wish people valued and emphasized mental health more. And I wish there was better treatment for mental wellbeing instead of just drugging people up.
the anxiety that cripples my mental and physical wellbeing
the feeling of being scared when I sleep alone at night
the feeling of slowly drifting into this never ending spiraling pit of dark and numbness
the [good] feeling I get when I binge to feel but the [bad] side effects of that that floods me with guilt
the terrible stomachaches I get and how the only thing from stopping me from not actually throwing up from being so inconveniently nervous and anxious is that I fear throwing up more than most things in the world
how inconvenient my lack of hunger is 80% of the day, but also how inconvenient the look for my sudden need for binge is
But most of the time I feel really whiney when I have to explain this to people and of inconvenience. ugh i hate everything. everyone.
I wish people valued and emphasized mental health more. And I wish there was better treatment for mental wellbeing instead of just drugging people up.
This is going to be so bad. But.
The first part of this will discuss how it's so hard to be yourself and not get judged at the same time. So that the only acceptable way to live life is through being "temporarily impaired". It's like an excuse to get assaulted/raped. I know that sounds so bad. And it's not a joke. I don't think it's funny.
The second part of this is... how empty the hurt feels. And how I keep seeking ways to fill that void. And I hate talking about this with my friend(s) or significant other(s) because I feel that it always comes out to two things at the end- either they cannot handle it and they freak out (I never understand this one because I never bring this upon anyone and ask them to single handedly try to carry the weight) or they make judgements about my actions and tell me to be happy and get over it. As much as I'd like to 'be happy and get over it', I feel like this is just proof that they don't know me or haven't for enough time. I feel that I haven't won my battle with her yet, and that my fight with self image and weight fluctuations are still there.
tl;dr- I am hopelessly in love with the ways I lose my consciousness to in order to escape her. It's spiraling into an uncontrollable addiction that I can't pull myself out of. I love the way randoms grab at me and force me to perform unconsensual sexual actions. But it makes me cry and die at the same time. Mostly because I don't want to do any of that shit, nor do I actually love it, but it makes the numbness go away and the hurt actually feel. I can feel. And that's what I t h r i v e for.
I don't know who reads this anymore. But please don't feel guilt or sympathy for me. I just want to be able to be able to document again and not have to fear judgement and wipe my slate clean to pretend to be someone I'm not.
-i
The first part of this will discuss how it's so hard to be yourself and not get judged at the same time. So that the only acceptable way to live life is through being "temporarily impaired". It's like an excuse to get assaulted/raped. I know that sounds so bad. And it's not a joke. I don't think it's funny.
The second part of this is... how empty the hurt feels. And how I keep seeking ways to fill that void. And I hate talking about this with my friend(s) or significant other(s) because I feel that it always comes out to two things at the end- either they cannot handle it and they freak out (I never understand this one because I never bring this upon anyone and ask them to single handedly try to carry the weight) or they make judgements about my actions and tell me to be happy and get over it. As much as I'd like to 'be happy and get over it', I feel like this is just proof that they don't know me or haven't for enough time. I feel that I haven't won my battle with her yet, and that my fight with self image and weight fluctuations are still there.
tl;dr- I am hopelessly in love with the ways I lose my consciousness to in order to escape her. It's spiraling into an uncontrollable addiction that I can't pull myself out of. I love the way randoms grab at me and force me to perform unconsensual sexual actions. But it makes me cry and die at the same time. Mostly because I don't want to do any of that shit, nor do I actually love it, but it makes the numbness go away and the hurt actually feel. I can feel. And that's what I t h r i v e for.
I don't know who reads this anymore. But please don't feel guilt or sympathy for me. I just want to be able to be able to document again and not have to fear judgement and wipe my slate clean to pretend to be someone I'm not.
-i
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