Caring Is Creepy

now playing: no shade in the shadow of the cross | sufjan stevens
mood: tired

I was going to complain.
But then I realized that it wouldn't solve any of my problems.

It's hard trying to keep up with everyone's demands/requests when you set high standards for yourself and people expect higher because you set the bar high already.

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Getting there is like learning a new song on the piano/viola/marimba, trying to perfect a technique in dance, or trying to get perfect catches in guard even though your hands have lost all nerve-related-feeling for the week. When you've perfected everything, people, from the outside, see you as this beautiful thing and envy you. But when you're still on the road, it's blood, sweat, and tears. Everything hurts and frustrates you. The road is long, tiring, and lonely. But once I'm there I know looking back will be bitter-sweet and the end is rewarding.

I just want to go home, go to the beach, lay in the warm sand, smell the salty scent of seawater, listen to the waves crash, and temporarily forget everything :'- (

now playing: fidelity | regina spektor (for the #tbt)
mood: sleepy

We're already halfway done with this week.
Therefore we are a fraction-over-half of this quarter, meaning I'm almost officially done with school!

So far I've (milestones & other highlights/firsts):
→ gotten closer to people in my major♥
→ joined a research group /made lots of new friends
→ gotten back into volunteering - never thought I'd have time for it again after high school ended, but I'm so glad I've made time for this because it makes me so happy :)
→ created my first ever official poster (and felt pretty broke after doing so)
→ had my first video call with another school research group
→ reached out to and support a non-profit organization I care about
→ formed study groups - something I never thought would happen!!
→ presented at a symposium!
→ join organizations of similar academic interest and background
→ landed a summer internship and won a scholarship for it

unacademic-wise I've:
→ tidied up and reorganized relationships
→ brought back (high school) senior-year traditions!! {late night food runs, movie nights, getting coffee, hang outs, spontaneous dinner outings on school nights, laughing non-stop until our stomachs hurt, making stupid hierarchies and making fun of each other, not taking work seriously but taking work seriously, going over to people's places to hang out to just hang out, fussing over dumb drama that no one cares about but making drama nonetheless, etc...)
→ gained more control over my emotional balance
→ learned to let go of things that are not worth my time

what I still need to do:
→ figure out summer plans
→ be more involved with school (academically)
→ figure out where I'll be moving to next year
→ become better at video editing
→ become more involved with the organizations I'm in
→ learn how to not procrastinate and sleep before 12am! (or more like learn how to get stuff done at work more efficiently so I'm not there till 8pm everyday !!!)
→ get SP back and updated again

Ahhhh, I'm still in denial that this is senior year, and there's only 4 more weeks and 2 days left!!
Hopefully I'll be updating more and more to document the last few weeks of my undergraduate career.

xo i

Slowly inching towards sanity after getting rid of toxic people in my life.
The past two years has made me a crazy that I've never been before.
Who do I like and how do I love?

Suburban and Typical

Since when did we grow so far apart and different? (Since when did you get so rude)

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now playing: teenage icon | the vaccines ♥
mood: tired

Powerpoint done, now time to work on my poster.
➣Glad that tomorrow's meeting is pushed back 30 min so I can get something to eat, but a little nervous about having another phone?video?skype? call with the HQ because I need to go to office hours but I really need to keep up with what's happening in the lab as well
➣This weekend's gonna be tough. I need to finish my poster (probably 3-4 drafts + printing time), complete my report, study for organic synthesis class so I can actually actually come up with intellectual questions and go to office hours for that, complete paperwork, go bowling, and see Age Of Adaline (for Lana bae).
➣Had a fast, lowkey, yet enjoyable Thursday. Friday's going to be a slide into the chaotic weekend.

I've felt so shitty everyday this past week, I haven't gone to any classes or lab, just laid in bed and do work an hour before it's due. All my growths have gone undocumented in research, only an ID number to make sure I record it down sometime. God save me.

Bleachers | I Wanna Get Better

my head hurts
i can't stop crying
and i feel sad.

the next few months are going to be of these annoying posts.
brace yourselves.

Things I Noticed

1. Everything is a Schrödinger's Cat experiment and in a paradoxical state if untouched or avoided, the possibility of it being bad or good is at equally probable, so we cannot be certain of anything and the outcome until we conquer it.

2. As crazy as I am sometimes, I prefer retreating back to calmness and (literally) keeping things low-key, and I'm so happy I (kind of) realize the person I am /found myself/, and I think that this is hard to see because I come off as a slight extrovert in public

3. Anything is possible

4. I have this trend of hiding my face in pictures

5. You can't push me, no one can- and I'm not saying this in a confident sassy way, I literally mean that nothing, no deadlines, no bad grades, no person can push me unless I feel like accomplishing something, I won't do it.

6. Life is a circle but it is also a bell curve, we're alone at the end in the end. People come into our lives to teach us something but no one is going to be here forever

7. Forgive and love. It'll make the world a better place. An eye for an eye makes the world blind.

8. Invest in shoes, is possibly one of the most important thing that B has recommended to me that I've never realized

9. Life is crazy, within a month's span I've gone to a funeral and a wedding, and I've also had many small life events that I've never had before, we can't stop time to slow things down and pace these events, but we can treasure the times we spend with each other.

10. The hardship you encounter before your success is a blessing in disguise, and that no matter how hard things get, we have to remember that every cloud has a silver lining.

Happy Monday.
xo I

B and I got tickets to see Sufjan Stevens the week before our last undergraduate finals!!! I'm so excited because it's going to be at the Dorothy Chandler Pavillion music hall! And we were lucky enough to get middle/centered orchestra seats too. Gahh!! :)