16 December 2010

when someone says summer,

i instantly recall back to this past summer. the very excited feel of the first few weeks of chemistry class, and the new lab manual, and the feeling of being able to own your own pairs of googles...then it turns into this horrid stomach turning memory of dreading to go to class, not wanting to fail another test, or confront my personal life. it was a time when i just wanted to live in a bubble, study what i wanted to study, and have my happily ever after.

but instead it was polluted with the chemical-contaminated air with the afterscent of janitor cleaning supplies and the empty clunking of distant footsteps slowly shuffling down the hall of the 200s building. it was the slow closing of doors and sudden running sounds...quickly disappearing.

and then it was the need to disappear every morning after exiting my mom's car. it was the need to find my way into the library to hide, and protest the 8 hour classes. it was my way of rebelling lectures, society, and personal problems. it was dashing up the half turned carpeted-stairs; light footsteps grazing the carpet as i make a circle around the entire upstairs in rush to find a quiet study room where i can just throw my belongings onto the table and throw my entire body half on the table and plop myself into a chair and weep my insecurities away.

it was the rare visits of grace wuang in the summer trying to comfort me. it was the quiet notefolding, origami thankyou notes passed around as whispers of sincerity were exchanged.

it was the really difficult labs that were eased by Steve's jokes accompanied with victor's remarks and kayane's shaking of her head. it was the moments when the professors let us off the hook because we had established a connection with him. it was the other teams asking steve and i how to do experiments because we were always done first. it was the talks of woodbridge, marching band, and college. it was the times Kayane Victor and I shared after class while waiting at the bus stop benches. The times where we epically failed a test and tried to comfort each other.

It was when I didn't really care whether this D+ was better than my F- last time. It was when I just wanted happy. When I wanted to be care-free. It was when I wanted to release this weight and pretend nothing happened. It was when I hid my sadness deep within me and put on the fake smile for Victor, Steve, and Kayane.

When someone says 'summer', it's the nostalgic chemical smell of cleaning substances and the distant clunking of one's footsteps down the hall as I rush frantically to class, and the sound of fluttering loose leaf notes at the end of lectures when I'm the last person left in the classroom.

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