This is going to be so bad. But.

The first part of this will discuss how it's so hard to be yourself and not get judged at the same time. So that the only acceptable way to live life is through being "temporarily impaired".  It's like an excuse to get assaulted/raped. I know that sounds so bad. And it's not a joke. I don't think it's funny.

The second part of this is... how empty the hurt feels. And how I keep seeking ways to fill that void. And I hate talking about this with my friend(s) or significant other(s) because I feel that it always comes out to two things at the end- either they cannot handle it and they freak out (I never understand this one because I never bring this upon anyone and ask them to single handedly try to carry the weight) or they make judgements about my actions and tell me to be happy and get over it. As much as I'd like to 'be happy and get over it', I feel like this is just proof that they don't know me or haven't for enough time. I feel that I haven't won my battle with her yet, and that my fight with self image and weight fluctuations are still there. 

tl;dr- I am hopelessly in love with the ways I lose my consciousness to in order to escape her. It's spiraling into an uncontrollable addiction that I can't pull myself out of. I love the way randoms grab at me and force me to perform unconsensual sexual actions. But it makes me cry and die at the same time. Mostly because I don't want to do any of that shit, nor do I actually love it, but it makes the numbness go away and the hurt actually feel. I can feel. And that's what I  t h r i v e  for.

I don't know who reads this anymore. But please don't feel guilt or sympathy for me. I just want to be able to be able to document again and not have to fear judgement and wipe my slate clean to pretend to be someone I'm not.

-i