Elevated, I'm on new ground, at a different height.
You're holding me, gently around my waist; you think I will hurt myself.
Slowly the wind picks up and my hair flies.

You're still holding my hand.
Slowly I let go, and I fly.
Looking back, you're still grinning at me. Thank you

Always Running for the Thrill of it

Today I joined a 4 hour Skype conference call with GWU and Stanford.
During the video conference, I got an email notifying I got the scholarship and internship I applied for two months ago. (yay!) An hour later, in the middle of class, I got a flood of notifications from my colleagues/co-workers telling me to check my email and spam 'CONGRATS' into my texting applications with the sudden interruption from my professor asking me to tell the class the correct answer to the homework sets. All good and happy things. I've been really happy at school. One of my colleagues got into graduate school, three of our people got a super prestigious science award/funding (16,000 applied, 2,000 awarded in the USA, 10 awarded to our school, and out of that 10 we had 3), and another paper of ours got approved to be published. I am scheduled to work 17 hours a week, but I've been working 7 hours overtime- I don't even mind! I feel as if I've found a new group of people I can click in with. But sometimes I'll look back at everyone I've left behind and it makes me sad. Are y'all well? How are you? What's going on, what's happening?

Someone told me something the other day when I couldn't stop whining about the past: "It simply meant that our...[past]...just couldn't keep up with us". It's such an asshole way to put it, but 100% on point. I guess in a way, I couldn't keep up with some of my past, and in other ways my past couldn't keep up with me.

Today, for the first time, I had also the thoughts of dropping my ballet class because it has been heavily interfering with one of my biggest commitments.

I also have a mind blowing headache.
Pun may have been intended or not but head hurts too much to know at this point.

I feel constantly repressed.
And it's like you have a perfect reason for all your actions.
But it's not about what's technical or not.
It's that you're never aware of how others might possibly feel that could have provoked them to do what they did. You're just concerned with how others portrayed you as.

But have you ever thought about how and why others could've portrayed you as that way?
It goes beyond "what I said vs what you meant". Because if that's all you see, then you're shallow AF.

.

I've been watching your kindness keep a lonely company

Look at the fire and think of me

now playing: push and pull | purity ring

mood: content


It’s finals week and there’s just been a lot of emotions.

I finished two finals yesterday at the most polar times (from each other) possible: 8-11am and 7-10pm.

Today I’ve been taking it easy: starting with giving my mind a break- woke up late(@noon heh, but Ari texted me in the morning wishing me goodluck with finals over LINEapp which surprised me because I thought she didn't use LINEapp! ♥ But seeing her name at 8 in the morning woke me up frantically thinking it was work related/panicking for a second because I thought I overslept and missed work), taking a stroll around campus, getting tea at Coffee Bean (I’ve been trying to give up coffee! or try and cut back on it… so far it’s working), chatting with friends that I ran into at Coffee Bean, getting a day off and not working (in lab), wearing a skirt! (since it’s almost impossible to be wearing anything above my ankles these days), taking dumb selfies (see above) per usual, listening to + + +GRIMES+ + + and The Strokes and getting good vibes from them, updating my travel blog with three posts about my past trip to Italy (there's still a lot more to come but that's that for now),

Besides Disneyland and going to the beach, I haven’t got much plans for spring break yet. oh SHOOT. This post just reminded me that I have an abstract to complete before spring break ends for the research symposium ;__; oh well. There’s always work to be done. n e v e r e n d i n g

Mmm there was a desert storm at around evening ~730 pm? Rolling thunder, flashes of lightning, and then heavy downpour. Perfect way to end the night.

xo i

I hate myself. I hate how I ruin everything. It's not that I try to ruin things, but rather I let things gain control of me.

It's so frustrating and I don't know when to stop or when to say no.

Routines

Listening to: Nocturne No. 11 in g minor, Op 37 No. 1 | Frédéric Chopin
Mood: Sleepy

Most things in life are unexpected, even if they were planned.
Happy Friday.

-i

ps, ABT was at Segerstrom this past weekend performing Sleeping Beauty and I didn't even know till now?? :'(