This is going to be so bad. But.

The first part of this will discuss how it's so hard to be yourself and not get judged at the same time. So that the only acceptable way to live life is through being "temporarily impaired".  It's like an excuse to get assaulted/raped. I know that sounds so bad. And it's not a joke. I don't think it's funny.

The second part of this is... how empty the hurt feels. And how I keep seeking ways to fill that void. And I hate talking about this with my friend(s) or significant other(s) because I feel that it always comes out to two things at the end- either they cannot handle it and they freak out (I never understand this one because I never bring this upon anyone and ask them to single handedly try to carry the weight) or they make judgements about my actions and tell me to be happy and get over it. As much as I'd like to 'be happy and get over it', I feel like this is just proof that they don't know me or haven't for enough time. I feel that I haven't won my battle with her yet, and that my fight with self image and weight fluctuations are still there. 

tl;dr- I am hopelessly in love with the ways I lose my consciousness to in order to escape her. It's spiraling into an uncontrollable addiction that I can't pull myself out of. I love the way randoms grab at me and force me to perform unconsensual sexual actions. But it makes me cry and die at the same time. Mostly because I don't want to do any of that shit, nor do I actually love it, but it makes the numbness go away and the hurt actually feel. I can feel. And that's what I  t h r i v e  for.

I don't know who reads this anymore. But please don't feel guilt or sympathy for me. I just want to be able to be able to document again and not have to fear judgement and wipe my slate clean to pretend to be someone I'm not.

-i

Re: Double Standards

Erika wrote a little something, which made me feel empowered. Thank you...

"..Is it only possible to achieve respect from your equals by sacrificing the precariousness of your own sex? [...] I honestly think you would be disgusted to know how many men have expressed their grievances with the fact that I am an opinionated female. Or how many men haven't taken me seriously because I'm a woman and they think I exaggerate a response, or overreact. I wish I had counted how many men have said, "I'm sorry you THINK I did this" or "I'm sorry YOU FEEL that way" instead of acknowledging that my intuition is a STRENGTH and that they are capable of faults, and they're allowed to concede to them. How many men believe they have a say in what company you keep, what you wear, decisions you make. How many men hold you back in achieving your goals, particularly in young relationships, because they are constantly negotiating with the insecurity of their own egos. These are all forms of abuse. Words and actions are triggering. I think it's quite clear that because we have seemingly made a lot of progress socially, people have taken it upon themselves to move too freely in their relationships and their interactions with people, especially when they are ignorant to their past experiences. Just saying on this beautiful day to remember compassion and empathy and all of these emotions that make humans amazing. And remember, "if you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor."

-Erika Altosaar

Chase

I go from channel to channel to hide from separate/different people.
When will I ever learn to open up and trust again?

senses

The first person to desensitize wins right?
You always want to be numb so you don't risk the chances of hurting yourself...
Isn't that right?
Isn't that right love, isn't it?

That's what they taught me...

Double Standards

I don't understand the double standards the guys at my uni have on girls. It's like we're supposed to just accept what they say as acceptable and right and swallow that smiling. But when we make a remark it's suddenly the most offensive thing in the world.

The other day I was expected to give in and sleep with a long time friend of mine because I'm somehow perceived as easy now and so it's socially acceptable to make a move on me even though it makes me uncomfortable and violated. I'm also supposed to be okay with my colleagues dancing against me girating their bodies against mine again and again until they get some sort of satisfaction out of it, even though I clearly showed resistance, discomfort, and said "please, no stop". Then after telling my story to a close male friend of mine, all he got out of it was that I'm clearly a "ho".

All this makes me think that it's completely my fault and that I could've prevented the situations- which to a certain extent is true. However I feel that there's too much pushing of the responsibility in the wrong way from the eyes of these shitheads. It is as if it is somehow okay to call me a derogatory term and assume my self worth is nonexistent because I am in a low point in my life physically, emotionally, and socially...mixed in with a series of unfortunate events being at the wrong place at the wrong time. And I somehow have to be okay with those assumptions and slurs thrown at me, to just accept that I somehow am of no worth. But if I decided to actually speak my truth of how I felt that "dating you was a low point in my life" or that "you are way out of my league", that I would somehow be offending you to no ends, awakening your ancestors, and is now the worst person and the meanest bitch to ever live.

Why are there these double standards at this school? When will there ever be gender equality where women can say the same things to men without being thrown down as a rude inconsiderate [insert derogatory female term here]?

Wasted

"I wanted to kill the me underneath.

That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can’t quite deal with it.

It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe, different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild.

This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death”

- Hornbacher

troubled

Got so numb yesterday everything felt so right.
The waves of euphoria rolling through me, god it finally feels right. This is the feeling I've been searching for, too long.

I am so happy I was so happy. Everyone is so in love and the warm summer air brushed our arms under the dark navy blue skies. Everything moving so slowly...

I watched her light that cigar, please baby no.
In one minute of a time I watched what I thought to be innocent corrupt before my eyes.
I feel so cheated. So cheated on. Lied to, with my dreams shattered. One last hope of ambition pierced through the center with a mocking burn.


Stumbling down the street letting the lies hit me, I watched the fireworks go up and fall back down the street last night by myself as my heart broke and tears rolled. I've never gotten kissed under the fireworks, but I also never watched them on the fourth alone either.

I'm so broken. So broken. I don't know what to think what to do.

---

Spoke so much words, did you even speak the truth?

Trouble on my left, trouble on my right...

God don't let me lose my mind...

summer

mood: sleepy & lovely
currently playing: riptide

It's the first week of summer break. I'm back into that work grind, have to work harder though...
I had a lovely weekend up in Big Bear with my org board members- absolutely fun and relaxing.
Going to be going back up to the mountains this coming weekend again with some other friends, hopefully things won't be too awkward or have too much tension.

parties on parties.
when am i actually going to start feeling something?

i smell like lavender (lush body scrub), sakura blossoms (shampoo), and macadamia and coconuts (conditioner) dreams right now
drifting off, into the land of sleep.

goodnight x